I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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