so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
