i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
