i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
