Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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