Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
