Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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