And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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