my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
