Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
