Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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