Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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