My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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