There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She's the barista slut.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize