I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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