I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
