I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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