Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
