paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm too high and old for this...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
