the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
