Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
