I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
