he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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