she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
