I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
