never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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