We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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