Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish i was in the wii world.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
