Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize