His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
