True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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