so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
