I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
