okay pat passed out under dana's car
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
