just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
