best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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