No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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