is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
