i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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