The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
