So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
