sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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