i wish peter jackson would direct porn
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
