you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
operation have a gay friend backfired
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
