Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
