I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
