Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
