matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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