your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
