Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Your dad touched me again.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
