Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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