you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
