the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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