everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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