Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
