theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
