Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
