ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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