I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
