As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize