please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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